what not to do at your boyfriend’s brother’s bar mitzvah
April 18, 2010

A step-by-step guide to making a fool of yourself

1. Order a vodka grapefruit at the open bar. On an empty stomach. Next to your mom.

2. Repeat.

3. Insist on being the oldest participant in a heated game of Coke and Pepsi. Lose balance during a particularly tough combination (Coke! Pepsi! Dr. Pepper! Wayne’s World?) and go careening across the floor, skinning your knee and elbow in the process, and scoring a massive bonus bruise on your thigh. Ignore your boyfriend as he repeatedly beseeches you, through a series of extremely obvious hand gestures, to control your cleavage, which is now dangerously close to emerging from your strapless dress.

4. Flick off the DJ (with both hands) after, inevitably, losing at Coke and Pepsi.

5. Ignore your mom when she suggests you “just get grapefruit juice this time.”

6. Laugh about that other special occasion where you were convinced champagne didn’t count as a drink. Down your and your boyfriend’s champagne flutes anyway.

7. Watch in slow motion as you spill an entire glass of wine over Table 12 – populated by your boyfriend’s grandmother’s old lady friends, who you’ve been taken over to introduce yourself to. As the alcohol cascades over their designer handbags, apologize profusely and repeatedly mention that your boyfriend is in medical school.

8. Agree to awkwardly pose in the family portraits, while awkwardly joking about how awkward it will be if you guys break up, since you’re now going to be forever immortalized in a frame in his parents’ living room.

9. Have a long, intense conversation with your boyfriend’s friend while waiting for the bartender to prepare your eighth vodka grapefruit. Pleased with the heart-to-heart, say “I so wish we were at the same table.” Insert foot into mouth when he informs you, you are, in fact, sitting at the same table. And have been for the last two hours.

10. Corner the 12-year old with whom you’ve been feuding on Facebook for the past week, after watching him weasel his way on to the horah chair generally reserved for siblings and parents. Wearing a cream-colored suit and surrounded by three 12-year old girls, he tries to tell you “fucking” has a different meaning for your generation. Take that as your cue to launch into a 20-minute long diatribe about what middle school was like in your day, in an attempt to prove you’re really not that out of touch. Ignore the fact that his eyes are glazing over. Continue talking until your dad comes over and forcibly removes you – at which point the 12 year-old looks up earnestly at him and says, “THANK. YOU.

11. Pass out in the passenger seat while helping boyfriend to ferry assorted important items – gift baskets, leftover cake, grandmother – from catering hall to his parents’ house.¬†Insist on speaking another language, of your own invention, loudly, while tottering in your 3-inch heels from the car to your apartment. Watch as your boyfriend repeatedly tells concerned onlookers you’re fine.

12. Try, and fail, to convince your boyfriend to take you to IHOP.

13. Return to apartment and immediately burn two mini-bagels and a pot of tortellini, while expressing amazement at the fact that you’ve come away hungry from the same place that fed you six full-sized entrees during a tasting last month. Try to remember what you did with that giant 100 Grand bar you swiped from the kids’ dessert table. Fail.

14. Wake up with a raging headache, a Facebook friend request from the kid in the cream-colored suit, and little memory of the night before. Try to figure out what happened between the hours of 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. ¬†– did you escape to that Indian wedding upstairs? Discuss seventh-grade gossip with the middle schoolers congregating in the girls’ bathroom? No one seems to know.

15. Vow to never attend another coming-of-age party again. Or, in the alternative, regain your college alcohol tolerance. Something has to give.