kind of like that time you made out with your college roommate

It started out innocently, and adorably, enough. Two golden-hued puppies, once intent on each other’s demise, finally started warming up to the idea of being friends.



For the last few weeks, Franny has been vacationing at her country home in Connecticut with my parents’ golden retriever puppy, Millie, while we got settled in New York and zipped down to Philly for a wedding. My mother kept us abreast on their budding friendship.

“Every time I walk into the kitchen, they’re cuddling!” she cooed via text message. “It’s so cute!”

But the messages quickly devolved.

“Ever time I walk in to the kitchen, they’re cudding,” she said, a few days later. “It’s getting creepy.”

Indeed, it was. At first it was like they were just being extra friendly, or maybe even experimenting the tiniest bit: a paw strategically placed here, a tail nestled on the other’s fur. But by the end, my mom would discover them completely intertwined, expressions half-guilty, half-annoyed, like, can you please shut the door behind you, lady? We’d appreciate some privacy.

It’s hard for me to admit this, but seeing our puppy swing that way was a little hard for me to swallow. And I felt terrible about my reaction. I mean, I really miss the gayborhood, our old home in Philly. I was elated when gay marriage was legalized in New York. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t just accept my puppy for who she was? What kind of bleeding heart liberal, East Coast journalist am I? Maybe I should just get back with that Republican who works at Goldman Sachs and call it a day.

I was starting to get pretty down on myself and my supposed Democratic values, until I looked at the above picture. For some reason, even though it wasn’t as lewd as some of the previous puppy porn, it really got me. Just look at Millie’s face. She looks so scared. So confused.

And that’s when it hit me: it wasn’t the fact that Franny was getting it on with another lady that was bothering me. It was the fact that she was getting it on with both a minor and a family member.

Like, that’s not just disturbing…it’s illegal. Chris Hanson could feature this puppy on his TV show. She’s essentially a canine sexual predator.

And her mother does not have to support this lifestyle, no matter how liberal she is or is not.

Which is why we were particularly happy to welcome little Franny to New York this past weekend. We know some people might bristle at the idea that we’re ushering our daughter into this hotbed of sin and sex with open arms, praying she might meet a new male/female/gay/straight/neutered/spayed lover – anyone who’s not her aunt and/or four months old.

But at this point, we have to aim low. Anything’s better than the illicit love affair she’s leaving behind in suburbia.


4 Responses

  1. Um, whatever “issues” Franny needs to sort out aside… She is too adorable. I really want a goldendoodle.

    Lesbian or not.

  2. I don’t believe I am alone in believing that Millie is pretty cute herself. Right, Francine?

  3. Oh my word – I am cracking right up!!!!
    That first pic frightened me hugely… but the other ones – so stinkin’ cute. Even with the Incest/Lesbian-ish-ness stuff that’s going on 🙂

  4. OMG I am in the biomed library at Penn and almost just started cracking up outloud.

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