This hilarious article from the Onion. My favorite parts? The reference to the Tunnel of Pregnancy Scares and the use of the phrase “heart-swallowing banshee,” of course.
“Pretty early on, I realized that I just needed to get off,” Murray said. “But by that point we had just passed through the Tunnel of Pregnancy Scares, and there was no way I could up and leave then. God, to think of all the other rides I could have tried if I weren’t trapped on that suffocating machine.”
Although some have expressed safety concerns with the coaster’s structure—more than 7,000 feet of steel tubular track hastily built on a foundation of lust and shared contempt-—both Six Flags and the designer himself have assured riders that the Life Force Crusher-X is nowhere near as dangerous as actually dating Deborah.
“Every inch of my coaster has been biodynamically analyzed by computers to be 100 percent safe, which is far more protection than I ever got from that heart-swallowing banshee of a woman,” designer Werner said at the unveiling of his semi-autobiographical ride. “In fact, I myself ride the Crusher every morning. Just to remember.”
Let this be a lesson to all of us: if your relationship is starting to resemble a prolonged brush with death, it’s probably time to get out.